mdear's Blog

I'm a much happier person than I was a few months ago. Even happier still than a year. I think it's because I've stopped fighting what the work refuses to be. I finally acknowledge that the world will not bend to my will and agree with me. People will not always welcome my opinions or "the world ought to bes..." with open arms. Before, I think I tried to blind myself from that fact. I thought the best way to get someone to realize that they were wrong was to humiliate and belittle and dominate. In doing this, I only ever made myself more angry and defensive. People inevitably pushed back. They threw my tactic back at me. And neither of us learned anything new.  So I quarantined myself from news things. I felt threatened by opposing opinions. Opposing opinions meant I might have to state my own opinion on something, which would mean more anger and humiliation. My intellectual life (the only one that I actively live) became boring and frustrating. I got angry as I always do.  

This is where the author says she got better because she stopped caring about what others have to say.  As much as I’d like to follow the cliché, that’s really the opposite of what’s been happening to me. I care more. Much more. I care enough to listen to someone, rather than to assume that I have an answer that they do not. And instead of challenging someone’s opinions directly, I steer them discreetly to my opinions without them knowing. But the more that I listen to people whose opinions I disagree with, the less I have to steer. I actually want to know how people feel about stuff for its own sake, even if it “threatens” or opposes my own feelings. And I want to know how this opposition might function in my own life.

I think one reason I'm excited is because I see the effects of my change in other people. The more I listen and come to understand people, the more open they become to my opinions. And then we have an exchange. The first kind of exchange I've ever had where I don't simply "wait" for my turn to talk. Instead of the same old remarks bubbling from my mouth, I ask questions that even I have never thought about. And they of me. They don't stick to the same defensive dance. They ask me things. I have to think, and I do not feel rushed to respond something snide.

Life is getting more interesting. I’m genuinely excited to meet new people and discuss things with them, even if they don’t see the world like I do. It's been a long time since I've felt this warm and excited about other people.

Now, I think I just need to tackle the social anxiety thing. 

I hate myself so much, and no one knows. If I died today, no one would care. They probably wouldn't even find out until the smell got too bad. My professors don't care. I don't have friends. My family might cry for a while, but then they'd get over it. I am an unpleasant anxious person that is no fun to be around. I want to die. 

Sometimes I look for escape from the world. I try to watch tv or get off or jig, but even in those acts, I feel skewered by hot knives of prejudice. I cannot enjoy myself. I cannot enjoy anything.  

If you are abusive and you admit it, you need to *refrain* from hurting others. It doesn't matter if it only hurts "a little". It's not your place to decide what amount of abuse is  okay for others to endure. 

My life has been so dream -like and neutral. I don't remember anything pleasant, aggravating, or sad from my childhood. And now I'm beginning to feel angry (blinding anger) and intense sadness, and I don't know how to cope with it. It's intense and it's happening all at once. I don't know what to do and I'm scared because I feel out of control all of the time. I want to hit someone or myself or something. 

Please help me. If you comment on this, please give extremely specific advice. Don't use empty phrases like "just deal with it" or "see someone about that". I have no money. I have no one to talk to about this. Please someone tell me I'm not alone and that there's a solution.

One of those days where I feel like I'll never be able to trust anyone. 

Have a good love life? Fuck you. Have a terrible love life? At least you have one. Got high self-esteem? I hope you fall from your ivory tower and quick.

I am venomous today. 

I want to explain what I'm thinking but I don't have the words to express it.

Do you ever face reasonable scrutiny and overreact to it?

Why is this computer at rest, but I am not? Why can't I be like this cup, plastic, immovable and full? Why can't I be air, compressed and flat?

Why do I feel? 

Not many people are nice on the internet. Some use "knowledge" as a weapon against others, instead of educating, and learning from, those others. They use snarky humor to one-up those that may not understand. And yes, I am the one that does not understand. 

But we are an ignorant race. That is our nature. If it were not so, wouldn't we be happy? Wouldn't we try to unite others through knowledge instead of separating the world into two camps-- the "ignorant" and the "educated"? Yet these people, that claim to know better than so many unseen, unknown souls, do not admit their own ignorance.

And in their hostility, their unkindness, they scare curious minds aching to ask a question, wanting to reach out. These same unkind people loudly complain of ignorance. The question must be raised-- Have you no humility? Have you no reason? Surely,you, "educated" one, can understand the  negative effects pomp and humiliation have on a learning person?

I suppose I'm with The Jewish Barber-- "Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost."